40 Years of Marriage!

Lately I have been so absorbed writing about tech topics and job industry trends, that I completely forgot what a wonderful blog topic 'marriage' would make.

This year my parents celebrate 40 wonderful years of being married. '40 Years!! Wow!' I thought to myself. These days if couples survive 3 years or less, it is considered a miracle. Isn't it? 

I am no expert on marriage, but seeing my parents married for 40 long years has given me a lot to look up to, and a lot to think about. My parents had an 'arranged marriage'. Yes! You heard it! Dad, accompanied his parents, and younger brother, went to meet Mom for the first time (typical arranged marriage set-up). A well-educated and beautiful woman that my Mom is, my dad was quick to say yes! And before even they knew, they were married. 

Unlike today's nuclear families, my mom lived with my dad and his entire family. By 'entire family', I mean my dad's three younger siblings, and his parents, and some cousins who then lived with them. That's a lot of people to live with, but my mom enjoyed every bit of this and made a wonderful wife, a dutiful daughter-in-law and a great sister and friend to all of the siblings.  

It wasn't an easy life, given how conservative my grandparents were (still is - my 93-year-old grandmother is still quite the conservative woman) and how very strict they were about their norms and traditions. My mom came from a very liberal family, one that was jovial, happy-go-lucky, and one that enjoyed simple pleasures of life! Sunshine or rain, they knew how to make the best of what they had.

The new family, however, was quite different from her own. My mom had to learn the rules of the house (yes, apparently there were rules to follow). For instance; how she left the water bucket after washing the dishes, how she arranged spoons and forks in the kitchen drawer, how she arranged dishes, etc. When I think of this, it seems like a lot of things to watch for. It feels like walking on eggshells. But the brave and determined woman that my mom is, and with a lot of help from my dad, she went on to finding joy in her new home. Luckily, my dad has always been her pillar of support all throughout the marriage. She was in her early twenties when she married my dad. (That is young per today's standards.)

Was it easy to get to know her husband, a stranger she once married? Not at all!  My mom thought he was all too quite, too serious, and barely had a sense of humor. But slowly, as time went by, she helped him be a loving person who could speak his mind, and strive to be a wonderful man to his wife. My dad found great support in my mom, as she helped him build a life together. She continued her job at Glaxo ('GlaxoSmithKline' now) to support my dad financially (soon after their marriage, my dad had to change jobs). She worked twice as hard to care for her new set of parents, her new sisters-in-laws and brother-in-law and her wonderful new husband. Dad on the other hand, worked extremely hard to give his wife and his children, a fantastic life! They both raised a son and a daughter together. They did everything to provide their children a wonderful home, an extremely good education and every bit of happiness and comfort that they perhaps never experienced in their childhood. And we, their kids, adore them both! Today, my dad says he wouldn't have been successful and content with his life and family, had he not had the unconditional love, support and understanding from my mom. 

Does my mom think my dad is her soul-mate? Yes, she does - after 40 years of marriage. My mom acknowledges it today. She says she wouldn't say it 40 years ago (LOL) when she first met him! Mom says it took some permutation and combination between them to strike a good balance. But they both knew they were in it together, and that they were committed. My mom believed my Dad was a great guy, and she focused on all that was good about him. My dad felt the same. That they were not perfect, but they were had the willingness to make their marriage work. My mom fell in love with my dad much later. And so did he. 

Marriage is not easy. It is 'A LOT' of work. Fighting, making up, fighting again are just the norm. It is 'team work'. It is a partnership. Just as Sheryl Sandberg says in her book "Lean In",  "Make your partner a real partner". I cannot emphasize how important this is! There will be things you may not be able to withstand. There will be days you'd wish you could change things, change the person you married. But that's where your love and compassion come to play. It requires some sacrifices, and some adjustments. Sounds like an overloaded statement.

Nobody is perfect. No person will be your prince charming or perfect woman of your dreams. Words like expectations, blames, etc should be tossed out the window. Just like you, your partner is human. He or she will make mistakes, will not do everything right. Forgiveness and acceptance are key! Once you understand this, and believe in it, things will be crystal clear.

The problem with today's generation is that they think everything works out miraculously. Or one person does all the work, and puts in all the effort, carries the weight of the relationship, and the other just wings it. If you are one of them, then I would like to remind you that you are delusional. You're looking at life and marriage through the keyhole of your mind. Widen your horizon, my friend. Nothing comes easy!

There is an illusion of some sort, that marriage needs to be smooth sailing, everything needs to be perfect. And if it ain't perfect, it is 'broke' There are people who are unwilling to put in any kind of work, let alone make sacrifices. Unfortunately, we're all imperfect and yet, we're all perfectly fine. 

I think we should all reconsider our approach towards marriage. There is much wisdom in calling it an 'institution'. A couple in a marriage evolves, grows together, matures and nurtures their relationship. It is important to be patient, have open communication, but above all have undying faith in your partner that no matter what, things will be fine. I believe that it is the journey, and not just the destination that one needs to enjoy. 

Seeing my parents together today, makes me realize there are no shortcuts to a happy life. They've had their struggles, and challenges. But they were committed. Committed to making things work! And today as they grow old together, they strive to care for each other more than ever! That is what I learn from them - love, trust, and commitment. To never give up on the other, no matter how dire the situation. 

40 YEARS of Marriage - 'IS' a journey. One heck of a journey, my parents would say! Cheers to those 40 beautiful years and many more to come! I wish my parents many beautiful years together, unconditional love, and everlasting happiness.